What the Hell?

Yeah, found this old column from the cobwebs surrounding my old site, hawkbat.com. It's from May, I think. Maybe April. Whatever.


Well. Here I am, embarrassed. I haven't updated the site for, oh, about a month. I'm such a slacker. I shall be boiled in oil and hung by the arms in the Village Square so my burnt, mangled body could be used as a tetherball.
Okay, enough small talk.
Not much has been going on, lately. I've been working, and working, and attempting to sleep, but it sorta doesn't work that well for me. I mean, I sleep, but not for a long period. Mostly I sleep for four hours, wake up, am up for an hour or so, and fall back to sporadic sleep (is that how you spell sporadic? Ah, dictionary.com says it is. Good.). I'm not understanding this problem. But, it's not that big a deal, and will probably work itself out.
It's been about two weeks since Aurora ran off, and it's hard to get over. Don't tell Sebastian, but she is kinda my favorite. He's such a goon, and he's really bored now, 'cos y'know, no one to fight with. Matt's thinking about getting a kitten so Sebastian's not so lonely, but then again, so am I. I think I might, I dunno. Never had an actual pet before. Well, my family had a dog, Penny, our old...don't remember what breed, but dog. She was blonde, with white underneath. kinda dumb, but considering she was a blonde...and a dog...well, you get the picture. So, I'm thinking a gray one, or whatever strikes me when I'm there. At the Animal Shelter, I mean. They say they have lots of kittens, so me and Dev (Devora. I've talked about her before) will take a trip down and see. Since she has a kitten, she'll probably have some insight on the temperaments of them. I think I'll be able to find one with a good personality, but they're so small and young it's going to be a chore, so two people have a good chance at finding a good'n.

Uh-huh. Right. (Weirdo.)

Well, today wasn't that bad, considering. I goofed off at work, charged some Star Wars Minis to my account, read comics, and generally was a nuisance to everyone around me. Jesse(new guy) showed up in a fuzzy pirate hat, as it was the annual 'Speak Like a Pirate Day!' today. He wouldn't stop saying 'Argh!' for some reason. There's more to being a pirate than just saying 'Argh!', chump. Not that I'd do much better, but it's always fun pointing out the shortcomings of others. Plus, I'd already celebrated the holiday on Friday, 'cause Bob&Tom was doing an all-'Speak Like a Pirate'-weekend.

The day was pretty much solid non-pissy. I worked, went to the 'rents house, ate some free food(tuna salad, one of the best pieces of combination food ever created by man, perfected by my mother. She had me take the whole damned bowl home with me), hung out with Melissa for a little while(haven't seen her in forever), and I felt fucking invincible at work. I don't know why, just that I was extremely optimistic, and cheery. Kinda freaked out some of the regulars that are used to good ol' gloomy me.

As the night went on, I stepped on my broom handle and hit myself in the face. I said "Ow," smiled really huge, and snickered for a good ten minutes.
I love pratfalls, strangely enough, only when they happen to me. Like once, I was bowling, and I swung back to roll the ball, but it fell out of my hands and rolled backwards. I got applause, so naturally, I bowed.

I don't know what it is, but whenever I get hurt, and it seems pretty bad, it's funny to me. I think it reminds me I'm human. Or maybe that karma is a funny thing. [pause for laugh]
Yeah, so life proves itself to be good once again, through little reminders and subtle hints.

Responsibility

Yeah, I guess it's been a week, time to update.

So what's been going on? Well, to start with, I'm broke(or close enough, thanks to my bank). Apparently, my bank says I have money, but I can't use it. Hooray! So, there seems to be an overabundance of bills, necessities(like gas, which caused a nice 'Well, I'll keep your driver's license until you pay this off' debacle), and of course wants that won't get fulfilled until, well, probably paycheck after next. Or later.

I'm semi-in charge at both of my jobs now(de facto cleaning boss at Super One, with two subordinates that come in[between the two of them] three times a week). Not that it's anything to brag about. Also, I'm the weekend manager at Robin Goodfellow(which means I get paid more to not slack off. And apparently, to encourage everybody else to work on something. So basically, I get to yell at people because I don't get to sit and do nothing anymore). Joe tries to keep me on a tight leash, but let's see what happens when I switch his regular coffee with Folgers
Crystals®. I'm going to try and encourage my employees to work, all right. Since I'm in charge of them, I get more responsibility(technically), so I'm going to see how far that stretches. See if I can use it to the stores advantage, to try and make some actual money, instead of bleeding it straight into Joe. Plans of an actual concrete nature fail me, so I'll just delight in rubbing my hands together menacingly(Mwa-ha-ha).

Still no dating prospects, not that I've been looking. Damnit, why aren't the women I want falling from the sky?

Been bored with writing lately(except for this, obviously), can't seem to form a thought to save my life. Everything I come up with seems to have been done before. Stupid Joseph Campbell and his stupid theories on subconscious re-interpretation of established stories. Old people blow.

So, now I'm sleepy, 'cause it's ten-to-six, and I got a whole four hours yesterday. Now here's something you'll really like. Maybe.

Everybody Likes Cake 

T.V.

You know what? I hate T.V. There's no frigging point to it anymore. All you see are the same recycled reality shows about some guy being a dick to a girl, or to other guys, or on an island. And the soap opera-esque dramedies on Fox and NBC. Who asked for this crap? Not me, obviously. Was I asleep when people decided to make television into a forum for women that can't seem to get enough of a bastard? No wonder I can't get a date. The stereotypes of real-life assholes are represented perfectly, while all of us nice guys get hogtied, and pushed down into some snakewater.
Yeah, listen to me bitching about nothing. Hey- this should be a reality show! I just sit there, with a camera on me, and I talk about nothing of relevance. Oh wait, Andy Rooney has that job already. Damnit.
So, anyway, here's something completely unrelated!